these are truly exciting times, my friend. nevermind the fact that i grind coffee, mop the men's room, and haul great mounds of trash through tiny spaces for an unconscionable pittance. this is a time for celebration: i am finally eligible for benefits.

i will be receiving complete medical, dental, and vision coverage for 2800% less* than what i have been paying for COBRA. in a moment of unrestrained merriment i even opted for accidental death and dismemberment coverage.

i © starbucks.

* Not a misprint. Over twenty-eight hundred percent savings!